Everyone today is preaching about self-love. It’s important. To truly love oneself is a wonder to me and something I struggle with. I have been less than kind to myself when I look in the mirror, and that’s putting it politely.

Once I got white girl wasted, stripped down and just stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. I was waiting to get in the shower after having a delightful glass or two or three of some leftover wine after using a portion of it in a recipe for dinner. As I stood there, swaying to the sounds of my shower radio I recalled something I had read on the internet, a self-affirmation, that told me to look at myself bare ass naked and figure out something nice to say to myself about my physical appearance.

I for the life of me could not do it.

As I gazed over every inch of my flesh, and trust me there is a lot of it thanks to two kids and a special kind of neglect in diet, I just kept getting more and more depressed. I started at my toes and made my way up past my thighs who have been the best of friends since high school, practically inseparable. I continued on and my gaze settled at my stomach. Stretch marks, sag, and to tell you the truth some neglected hairs around my belly button. I ogled onward and upward and was met by a pair of breasts way too quickly (I could have sworn they were a little higher at some point) and aggressive red marks where my bra had been attempting to time travel them back up to their initial resting place in their glory days predating breastfeeding. If my thighs were best friends, my breasts were most definitely frenemies. Sure they got along well enough when you forced them together for the public. But left to their own accord they parted ways and pretended they didn’t know one another even though they’ve lived next door to each other their whole lives. By the time I got to my face my eyes were puffy from dissatisfied crying. My pity party completed, I stepped into the shower and tried to wash away the shame I felt. There is no sugar scrub in this world that could do it for me that night.

I avoid mirrors, especially when I’m in my birthday suit. I have found it’s easier to love my personality than my physical appearance. Let’s face it: I’m a fucking delight. I like my sense of humor and I’m a damn good friend – I pride myself in both those things. I think it’s because I’ve worked hard to achieve those qualities, and to be honest, I’ve done little to no work on my physical and emotional health.

But the fact occurred to me recently that I’m the mother of two small, impressionable young girls, and what I say to myself could have a pretty big impact on them as well. I would be horrified to hear my children say to themselves what I have. I fear of one day passing my less than stellar confidence on to them and so I try to boost their confidence when I can and dissuade self-deprecating comments. When they tell me something negative, I’m quick to say, “be kind to yourself, you are a very smart and capable little girl” and hype them up when they are feeling strong or beautiful or just really loving their outfit for the day.

So far it’s worked wonderfully and they’ve even seen the benefits of compliments. My kids will literally compliment strangers at the grocery store, at the drive thru, and any other public space where people are. They grab their attention, typically an “excuse me” or “hey ma’am/sir!” followed by “you look beautiful” or “I really like your hair” or once even a “girl you are rocking that outfit!”. To see these peoples’ faces light up at their words makes my mommy heart sing with pride!

So I have made a solid attempt to not think ugly things of myself. Granted, I am still a long way from being able to confidently think nice things about my physique, but I’ve at least been able to chip away at the self-hate in order to make room for the self-love.

Besides, it’s hard to continue to say mean things to yourself when you have sweet little voices that caress your face and say “mommy you’re so beautiful” with such conviction as to make Narcissus himself turn away from his mirror and agree.

How to Be Kind to Yourself

How to Help Kids Who Are Too Hard on Themselves

How Negative Self-Talk Affects Children